Midnight-thirty addendum to my evening...

So at 11:00, I get tired of waiting for Cheapskate and/or Dingbat to call back, and start getting ready for bed. Right on cue, Cheapskate calls--Twitchy is vomiting now, and she's getting really worried, can she bring him in? Sure! I'd be more than happy to forsake sleeping so as to come tend the problem that's been ongoing for over 24 hours but is now suddenly an emergency. Absolutely...but we're going whole hog on this, no half-measures because we're tired! IV catheter, fluids, bloodwork, antibiotics, anti-emetics, and the dog's staying with us until it can hold down oral medications, so bring your check book, honey! No, no, I did not actually say that to her. She did tell me that her "kids' father" will be paying for everything since the dog got sick at his house.

Called my tech back in, 'cuz it's only fair that if I have to get dressed again so does she, put a catheter in the dog and went through the basic toxin vs infection speil, got permission for bloodwork, got a cel number to call when the blood's been run. So when the blood's been run, I call the cel--and get a kid, who asks if Twitchy (who, by the way, wasn't really twitching, and I couldn't get a really good explanation from Cheapskate as to why she told me it was), can go home now. I tell him no, the dog will have to stay at least the night, is your mom there? "Well, yeah, but we're at the hospital right now..." some fumbling and talking in the back ground and eventually a man picks up the phone. Seems this is the "kids' father" whom Cheapskate has not explained anything to--so I start all over with the toxin vs. infection spiel, relate the blood work results, the plan, the dog's current condition, refrained from asking why the 10 year old is still awake at midnight.

Came home and am planning on going to sleep now, even though I'm almost certain that as soon as both my tech and I are asleep, Dingbat will be calling.

Oh, and Nice Dog is doing fine--peeing like a racehorse from all the fluids we gave him, and eating his blanket because we didn't give him dinner (want all that whiskey to be absorbed, no sponging it up with food!). Hopefully I won't be updating this any more before tomorrow night. er, tonight, it's officially tomorrow now I guess. G'night all.

Crazy Question Collection

Some of these are actual conversations, as closely as I can recall them, some are repeatedly asked in close variations. And, of course, my own (hopefully amusing) thoughts.

1: If I feed a whole tube of Bute to my neighbor's dog, will that kill it painlessly? (Bute is a painkiller generally used in horses--a tube contains 10-15 doses, or about the equivalent of 150-200 advil). And the related... Is there anything you can give me to feed the stray cats around my house to kill them?
NO! There's nothing we can give you or recommend that you feed to any animal to kill it. An entire tube of Bute would almost certainly kill the dog, but it wouldn't be painless--it would be several days of accumulating toxicity following acute kidney failure. Additionally, the dog is unlikely to eat the entire tube, and you risk accidental poisoning of other animals in the area.
Not said: If the dog's that much of a problem and the neighbor won't do anything about it, quit being a chickenshit and trying to poison it--trap it and call the sheriff/animal control or just shoot it and get it over with. As for stray cats, they wouldn't hang around if YOU STOPPED FEEDING THEM, YOU DUMBSHIT.

2: Is there a shot you can give to make my horse come into heat?
No. I have drugs that will make a horse that's in heat already ovulate so you can time artificial insemination or hand breeding. But if the mare's not cycling normally, you don't need a shot--you need to bring her in and have her examined and her ovaries ultrasounded so you can find out why she's not cycling.
Well, let me tell you my situation.... this mare foaled 3 days ago, and she's rejecting the foal. And a friend told me, and this hasn't been proven, but she said that there's a shot you can give to make the mare come into heat, and the hormones will make her accept the foal.
No. Really, no. There is no way to make your mare come back into heat 3 days post-foaling. You're just going have to hold the mare so the foal can nurse, or bucket raise it. The reason this "hasn't been proven" is that (to the best of my knowledge, and the knowledge of the other doctors on staff here) there is no such shot. Besides which, the hormones accompanying a heat cycle have nothing to do with accepting a foal.
Not said: Tell your friend to stop smoking crack and don't believe all the things you read on the internet. Get off your lazy ass and tend to the foal--if you don't have time to do that, you shouldn't be breeding anyway.

3: A friend told me to use diatomaceous earth on my rabbit to kill fleas, and I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't hurt the rabbit.
Well, it most likely won't hurt your rabbit. It also most likely won't hurt your fleas. Sorry, but silica sand just isn't an efficient insecticide.
Not said: Wasn't sure how to spell it, so I looked it up on google, because I'm too lazy tonight to get out my dictionary. Found this lovely page describing how diatomaceous earth is supposed to work: http://www.zetatalk.com/food/tfoox041.htm
I'm especially amused by this reference to killing fleas at the bottom of the page: "It blocks and cuts the Fleas' Gills, and they die." Last time I checked, fleas weren't fish, and didn't have gills. So once again I say tell your friend to stop smoking crack and don't believe all the things you read on the internet.

4: My dog's puking, what's wrong with it?
This really should go on a frequently asked questions page, along with a note that it's almost always asked over the phone, and often followed with "Do you think he has worms?"
Gee, I don't know... how many reasons can you think of that might cause you to vomit? ok, apply that entire list in treble to your dog. If you want me to tell you why your dog's sick, bring it to the clinic and let us run some tests on it. As for the worms, yes. Yes, I think your dog has worms. No, I don't think that's why your dog is suddenly vomiting. Nor do I think that's why your horse is lethargic or your cat is limping.

5: I've always wanted to be a vet...do you think I could take the classes through the community college or as night courses?
Sure, honey. And for only $100 a semester too. Hell, I hear they just hand degrees out on street corners in Ohio.

6: My dog's sick, can I just get some antibiotics to make it better or do I actually have to bring it in?
I refuse to discuss this.

7: My dog ate a Superball, so I gave him some laxatives. Now he's straining and crying and not pooping--do you think the Superball is plugging him up?
No. I think you gave him laxatives and now his guts are cramping up. Don't ever give your dog laxatives, ESPECIALLY when you're worried about something "plugging up" his intestines. It's not helpful, it is almost always uncomfortable for the dog, and it might kill them.

Hmm. That's about all I can remember for right now. I'm sure more will follow later.