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How to kill an iguana
Dec. 5th, 2009 08:14 amI did not write this, but good GOD do I agree with it! ©1994 Lynn Rosenberg
After fielding literally hundreds of "iguana calls" on the NOAH [Northern Ohio Association of Herpetologists] Information Line, I have developed the following guidelines that would be useful if you wish to kill an iguana.
First of all, you must purchase a hatchling from your local pet shop that deals mostly with fish, birds and small mammals. You may even want to buy from a dealer at a swap meet that has many wild-caught animals. Be sure to choose the very smallest iguana at the bottom of the pile of 50 to 100 hatchlings, one that is real tame and just lays in your hand. Don't buy an iguana that tries to jump out of your hand, bite you or whip you with its tail. Better yet, why not buy two iguanas (they're cheap) so they can keep each other company? Remember, don't buy one of those bright eyed "wild" iguanas.
Don't buy a book on iguana care. You don't want to waste those few extra bucks. Your friends have had several iguanas and they can tell you how to take care of one. Of course, none of those iguanas lasted more than a few months. Never talk to an experienced herpetologist! They often tell you more than you want to know.
Buy a small plastic cage or a ten gallon aquarium. Your friends told you that if you keep the iguana in a small cage it won't get too big. You've seen iguanas that were two years old and only about ten inches long.
Now you need a heat source. A hot rock sounds like a good idea. The guy from the pet shop said that you had to have a hot rock. Your friend said that his iguana loved his hot rock so much that he stayed on it all the time. He did notice one day that the iguana's belly was burned, though. Certainly the iguana would get off the hot rock if it were hot enough to burn him. Never use a thermometer in the cage - just guess whether it's warm enough. After all, digestion of food in reptiles has nothing to do with cage temperature.
What about a light? You remember hearing that iguanas need a light. Don't but a Vitalite®, with proper UV rays; they're too expensive and you'll have to replace it every six months or so. Get one of those inexpensive plant lights. If they help plants grow, why wouldn't they be good for an iguana?
A substrate is the next best thing. Maybe some cedar chips. That will keep the smell of stool down. Gravel or sand might even work. Then you won't be able to see the stool...it will just sink to the bottom. Never use newspaper or astroturf. They have to be changed too frequently. And speaking about cleanliness, never disinfect the cage with a bleach solution.
Don't provide any climbing areas, such as branches. Don't even try to find out what type of natural habitat the animal originates from. After all, it's in captivity now.
When you get the iguana home, be sure to handle it a lot right away. Carry it around on your shoulder and show it to all your friends. They'll be impressed with how tame it is, since it just sits there. They'll probably remark how cute it is and go get one themselves. After all, everybody has one and they're easy to take care of. Why even the five-year-old down the street has one. He even kisses his iguana. Why not? They're clean. Only turtles carry salmonella, right?
Feeding is a simple matter. Just go to the grocery store and get the food the iguana will eat. Offer him lots of iceberg lettuce, bananas, and dog or cat food. Lots of spinach and broccoli is good, too. It's not a good idea to supplement the iguana's diet with vitamins and minerals, but if you must, don't pay any attention to whether the iguana actually eats the food the supplement is sprinkled on. If the iguana doesn't eat, don't worry; he must just not be hungry. Or maybe he's eating food when you're gone. You really never have seen him eat, though. That's okay; you've always heard that reptiles don't eat much food anyways.
If you do give your iguana water (even though you've heard that they get all the water they need from their food), don't change the water very often. It's okay to leave the stool in the water bowl until you get around to cleaning it.
After a month or two you may notice that your little iguana is moving around less than he ever did. He seems to drag his rear legs and his spine is a little crooked. Don't be concerned, though; his arms and legs look real chubby and they're rock solid, so he must be okay. Oh, and those tiny red specks that you see moving around on him...don't give them a second thought.
And for heaven's sake, don't ever take an iguana to a veterinarian who is familiar with reptiles. That would cost much more than you ever paid for the animal. Besides, dogs and cats are the only animal one ever takes to a vet. Can reptiles really suffer and feel pain anyhow?
And last but not least, if you finally succeed in killing your iguana, then just go out and get another one and try again. The first one may have been sick when you got it.
---------------------------
And rather than go into the ranting I would otherwise have put up here, go ahead and just accept that the client that called yesterday has hit EVERY SINGLE one of these points, and add in "I can't bear to lose him" along with "I can't afford to bring him in" and may I point out that if you wait until his fucking toes are falling off you're probably too late.
After fielding literally hundreds of "iguana calls" on the NOAH [Northern Ohio Association of Herpetologists] Information Line, I have developed the following guidelines that would be useful if you wish to kill an iguana.
First of all, you must purchase a hatchling from your local pet shop that deals mostly with fish, birds and small mammals. You may even want to buy from a dealer at a swap meet that has many wild-caught animals. Be sure to choose the very smallest iguana at the bottom of the pile of 50 to 100 hatchlings, one that is real tame and just lays in your hand. Don't buy an iguana that tries to jump out of your hand, bite you or whip you with its tail. Better yet, why not buy two iguanas (they're cheap) so they can keep each other company? Remember, don't buy one of those bright eyed "wild" iguanas.
Don't buy a book on iguana care. You don't want to waste those few extra bucks. Your friends have had several iguanas and they can tell you how to take care of one. Of course, none of those iguanas lasted more than a few months. Never talk to an experienced herpetologist! They often tell you more than you want to know.
Buy a small plastic cage or a ten gallon aquarium. Your friends told you that if you keep the iguana in a small cage it won't get too big. You've seen iguanas that were two years old and only about ten inches long.
Now you need a heat source. A hot rock sounds like a good idea. The guy from the pet shop said that you had to have a hot rock. Your friend said that his iguana loved his hot rock so much that he stayed on it all the time. He did notice one day that the iguana's belly was burned, though. Certainly the iguana would get off the hot rock if it were hot enough to burn him. Never use a thermometer in the cage - just guess whether it's warm enough. After all, digestion of food in reptiles has nothing to do with cage temperature.
What about a light? You remember hearing that iguanas need a light. Don't but a Vitalite®, with proper UV rays; they're too expensive and you'll have to replace it every six months or so. Get one of those inexpensive plant lights. If they help plants grow, why wouldn't they be good for an iguana?
A substrate is the next best thing. Maybe some cedar chips. That will keep the smell of stool down. Gravel or sand might even work. Then you won't be able to see the stool...it will just sink to the bottom. Never use newspaper or astroturf. They have to be changed too frequently. And speaking about cleanliness, never disinfect the cage with a bleach solution.
Don't provide any climbing areas, such as branches. Don't even try to find out what type of natural habitat the animal originates from. After all, it's in captivity now.
When you get the iguana home, be sure to handle it a lot right away. Carry it around on your shoulder and show it to all your friends. They'll be impressed with how tame it is, since it just sits there. They'll probably remark how cute it is and go get one themselves. After all, everybody has one and they're easy to take care of. Why even the five-year-old down the street has one. He even kisses his iguana. Why not? They're clean. Only turtles carry salmonella, right?
Feeding is a simple matter. Just go to the grocery store and get the food the iguana will eat. Offer him lots of iceberg lettuce, bananas, and dog or cat food. Lots of spinach and broccoli is good, too. It's not a good idea to supplement the iguana's diet with vitamins and minerals, but if you must, don't pay any attention to whether the iguana actually eats the food the supplement is sprinkled on. If the iguana doesn't eat, don't worry; he must just not be hungry. Or maybe he's eating food when you're gone. You really never have seen him eat, though. That's okay; you've always heard that reptiles don't eat much food anyways.
If you do give your iguana water (even though you've heard that they get all the water they need from their food), don't change the water very often. It's okay to leave the stool in the water bowl until you get around to cleaning it.
After a month or two you may notice that your little iguana is moving around less than he ever did. He seems to drag his rear legs and his spine is a little crooked. Don't be concerned, though; his arms and legs look real chubby and they're rock solid, so he must be okay. Oh, and those tiny red specks that you see moving around on him...don't give them a second thought.
And for heaven's sake, don't ever take an iguana to a veterinarian who is familiar with reptiles. That would cost much more than you ever paid for the animal. Besides, dogs and cats are the only animal one ever takes to a vet. Can reptiles really suffer and feel pain anyhow?
And last but not least, if you finally succeed in killing your iguana, then just go out and get another one and try again. The first one may have been sick when you got it.
---------------------------
And rather than go into the ranting I would otherwise have put up here, go ahead and just accept that the client that called yesterday has hit EVERY SINGLE one of these points, and add in "I can't bear to lose him" along with "I can't afford to bring him in" and may I point out that if you wait until his fucking toes are falling off you're probably too late.
